You can say that I’ve grown bitter

July 17, 2013
By

I arrived at work this morning to the terrific news that the servers or jumper cables or whatever dumb computer bullshit things are not working, which basically means I am unable to perform the tasks I get paid an embarrassingly small amount of money to do. While some people might rejoice at this, as it allows them to fuck off just as much as usual but with impunity, I actually prefer to, you know, “work,” since being occupied with something tends to make the clock move faster. Plus, I guess there’s also something to be said for that vague feeling of satisfaction that I’m earning those peanuts every week. As it stands, it looks like I’ll be sitting here like a useless pile of turds for an indefinite period of time, which will feel like a geological era.

Like anyone with an essentially functioning cerebral cortex, I thought the George Zimmerman verdict was pure, unadulterated horse shit. But I was also not even remotely surprised by it. Any time you’ve got something that’s as closely watched as that, there’s going to be a big upset. Take American Idol, for instance. I don’t watch the show myself (no, seriously, I don’t), but I know enough about it to know the popular favorite never wins. Everybody knows who Adam Lambert is, unfortunately, but does anyone even remember that he didn’t win, much less anything about the guy who did win? If the popular vote were the deciding factor, nobody would be talking about it the next day. Bush v. Gore, anyone? Everybody hated Zimmerman, Casey Anthony, O.J., the cops who beat up Rodney King. People who were so blatantly guilty it’s ridiculous. Going against the seemingly obvious outcome, and the ensuing blowback, generates headlines and boosts ratings. It’s all fake, it’s all rigged, everything’s determined months in advance by Rupert Murdoch.

I think I’m gradually turning into Leonard Cohen, only not as sexy.

It never ceases to amaze me what people will pay money to see. There are literally millions of individuals on this doomed planet who have willingly parted with their money in exchange for the privilege of sitting in a darkened room and watching Adam Sandler and his buddies make fart jokes for an hour and a half. I assume these are the same troglodytes who stormed Wal-Mart when the word broke out that they’d be selling Twinkies a few days early. I don’t mean to sound like a movie snob. I’m not above watching shitty movies, but I am above paying to see them. I’ll look at the train wreck but I’m not going to compensate the conductor for it. I’m not going to help reward mediocrity and creative laziness.

America! I am a pile of useless turds in America and I am bored out of my damn mind. Send reinforcements.

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