Lean forward

August 21, 2013
By

CHRIS: How’s my hair?

HAIR & MAKEUP: It looks fine, Chris.

CHRIS: It’s not supposed to look ‘fine’, it’s supposed to look shitty! Who the hell are you, anyway?

HAIR & MAKEUP: My name’s Jenny.

CHRIS: Where’s the other girl? What’s her name? Atum… Atoomwa? Atumwea? Hey Marty, what’s the hair and makeup girl’s name?

MARTY: Jenny.

CHRIS: No, you asshole! The other one, the girl that did my hair yesterday! It was something weird. Ah-toom-ewa

MARTY: Deb.

CHRIS: Yeah! Deb! Where the hell is Deb?

MARTY: …

CHRIS: Marty? Where’s Deb?

MARTY: She’s dead, Chris. We’ve been over this.

CHRIS: Dead? What happened?

MARTY: It was an accident. Just like with Maryann, and Stacey, and Robbie. They were terrible… accidents. Two minutes, Chris.

CHRIS: Well, can you tell… uh…

HAIR & MAKEUP: Jenny

CHRIS: Can you tell Jenny that my hair needs to look shitty? It’s my trademark! Without it I’m nothing! You don’t want me to be nothing, do you Jenny?

HAIR & MAKEUP: Uh… no…

MARTY: Just do what he says, Jenny.

CHRIS: Where’s my cruller?

MARTY: Pretty sure you already ate it, Chris.

CHRIS: Really? Are you sure?

MARTY: Yeah… I definitely saw you eating it.

CHRIS: Well, I want another one. I’m starving.

MARTY: Can’t it wait? You’re on in one minute.

CHRIS: I want my god damn cruller! Fuck you!

MARTY: Ugh. God. Would someone get Chris another cruller! Hurry, 45 seconds!

CHRIS: Who’s on today anyway?

MARTY: Jonathan Capehart, Steve Schmidt, and Carrot Top.

CHRIS: Again? Jesus. Can’t we get anyone else?

MARTY: Thirty seconds.

CHRIS: Marty?

MARTY: …

CHRIS: Marty?

MARTY: …

CHRIS: Marty? Where’s Deb?

MARTY: Ten seconds.

CHRIS: Marty?

MARTY: 5… 4… 3…

CHRIS: Are the Republicans trying to break into my Lexus? What does Obamacare taste like? Will Sarah Palin? I’m Chris Matthews and you’re playing Hardball! I mean, let’s play Hardball! Fuck!

[theme music]

CHRIS: Jonathan Capehart! Will Hillary run in 2100?

JONATHAN: Um… don’t you mean 2016?

CHRIS: Steve Schmidt! Jonathan Capehart says no, what do you think? Hillary Clinton, first Latino president?

STEVE: Well, Chris, at the end of the day, I think you’ll find the devil is in the details.

CHRIS: Think she has what it takes to beat Obama?

STEVE: …

CHRIS: Jonathan? Hillary?

JONATHAN: I… guess? Okay?

INTERN: Here’s your cruller, Mr. Matthews.

CHRIS: About damn time! What’s your name?

INTERN: My name’s Wayne, sir.

CHRIS: Wayne, huh? That’s funny, I knew a guy named Wayne once. Anyway, you’re fired. Get out of here.

INTERN: Yes sir.

CHRIS: Mmm. This one has a lot of cinnamon on it.

CARROT TOP: If you ask me, I think she

CHRIS: Nobody asked you. Shut up. Mmm mmm. Yummy.

[theme music]

CHRIS: TURN THAT SHIT OFF. Steve Schmidt! Obamacare! Go!

STEVE: Well, Chris, at the end of the day, devil’s in the details.

CHRIS: HA!

JONATHAN: What does that even mean?

CHRIS: You don’t believe Obamacare?

JONATHAN: Obamacare what? What are you talking about?

CARROT TOP: Obamacare sucks!

CHRIS: Shut the fuck up! Marty, cut off that guy’s mic. Get him out of here. Steve Schmidt! Tell me I’m sexy.

STEVE: Well, Chris, at the end of the day…

CHRIS: HA!

JONATHAN: What am I doing with my life?

STEVE: The devil is in the details. At the end of the day.

CHRIS: Republicans! Jonathan!

JONATHAN: What?

CHRIS: Republicans!

JONATHAN: …

CHRIS: Jonathan!

JONATHAN: What?! What are you asking me?

CHRIS: Hillary Clinton!

STEVE: At the end of the day.

JONATHAN: I’m going to go kill myself.

CHRIS: Jonathan!

CHRIS: Jonathan!

JONATHAN: Why do I keep letting myself get talked into– hey, can somebody help me take this stupid thing off?

CHRIS: Jonathan! Jonathan Capehart!

JONATHAN: Jesus! What?!

CHRIS: Republicans!

JONATHAN: Fuck you, Chris. Fuck all of you.

STEVE: Devil in the details.

CHRIS: HA!

[theme music]

MARTY: We’re clear.

CHRIS: Where’d Capehart go?

MARTY: To go kill himself, I guess.

CHRIS: Eh, oh well. Where’s that prissy British guy we always have on here? Get him.

MARTY: He’ll be on after the break.

CHRIS: Hey, Marty?

MARTY: Yes?

CHRIS: Where’s Deb?

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