CHRIS: How’s my hair?
HAIR & MAKEUP: It looks fine, Chris.
CHRIS: It’s not supposed to look ‘fine’, it’s supposed to look shitty! Who the hell are you, anyway?
HAIR & MAKEUP: My name’s Jenny.
CHRIS: Where’s the other girl? What’s her name? Atum… Atoomwa? Atumwea? Hey Marty, what’s the hair and makeup girl’s name?
CHRIS: No, you asshole! The other one, the girl that did my hair yesterday! It was something weird. Ah-toom-ewa
CHRIS: Yeah! Deb! Where the hell is Deb?
CHRIS: Marty? Where’s Deb?
MARTY: She’s dead, Chris. We’ve been over this.
CHRIS: Dead? What happened?
MARTY: It was an accident. Just like with Maryann, and Stacey, and Robbie. They were terrible… accidents. Two minutes, Chris.
CHRIS: Well, can you tell… uh…
HAIR & MAKEUP: Jenny
CHRIS: Can you tell Jenny that my hair needs to look shitty? It’s my trademark! Without it I’m nothing! You don’t want me to be nothing, do you Jenny?
HAIR & MAKEUP: Uh… no…
MARTY: Just do what he says, Jenny.
CHRIS: Where’s my cruller?
MARTY: Pretty sure you already ate it, Chris.
CHRIS: Really? Are you sure?
MARTY: Yeah… I definitely saw you eating it.
CHRIS: Well, I want another one. I’m starving.
MARTY: Can’t it wait? You’re on in one minute.
CHRIS: I want my god damn cruller! Fuck you!
MARTY: Ugh. God. Would someone get Chris another cruller! Hurry, 45 seconds!
CHRIS: Who’s on today anyway?
MARTY: Jonathan Capehart, Steve Schmidt, and Carrot Top.
CHRIS: Again? Jesus. Can’t we get anyone else?
MARTY: Thirty seconds.
CHRIS: Marty? Where’s Deb?
MARTY: Ten seconds.
MARTY: 5… 4… 3…
CHRIS: Are the Republicans trying to break into my Lexus? What does Obamacare taste like? Will Sarah Palin? I’m Chris Matthews and you’re playing Hardball! I mean, let’s play Hardball! Fuck!
CHRIS: Jonathan Capehart! Will Hillary run in 2100?
JONATHAN: Um… don’t you mean 2016?
CHRIS: Steve Schmidt! Jonathan Capehart says no, what do you think? Hillary Clinton, first Latino president?
STEVE: Well, Chris, at the end of the day, I think you’ll find the devil is in the details.
CHRIS: Think she has what it takes to beat Obama?
CHRIS: Jonathan? Hillary?
JONATHAN: I… guess? Okay?
INTERN: Here’s your cruller, Mr. Matthews.
CHRIS: About damn time! What’s your name?
INTERN: My name’s Wayne, sir.
CHRIS: Wayne, huh? That’s funny, I knew a guy named Wayne once. Anyway, you’re fired. Get out of here.
INTERN: Yes sir.
CHRIS: Mmm. This one has a lot of cinnamon on it.
CARROT TOP: If you ask me, I think she
CHRIS: Nobody asked you. Shut up. Mmm mmm. Yummy.
CHRIS: TURN THAT SHIT OFF. Steve Schmidt! Obamacare! Go!
STEVE: Well, Chris, at the end of the day, devil’s in the details.
JONATHAN: What does that even mean?
CHRIS: You don’t believe Obamacare?
JONATHAN: Obamacare what? What are you talking about?
CARROT TOP: Obamacare sucks!
CHRIS: Shut the fuck up! Marty, cut off that guy’s mic. Get him out of here. Steve Schmidt! Tell me I’m sexy.
STEVE: Well, Chris, at the end of the day…
JONATHAN: What am I doing with my life?
STEVE: The devil is in the details. At the end of the day.
CHRIS: Republicans! Jonathan!
JONATHAN: What?! What are you asking me?
CHRIS: Hillary Clinton!
STEVE: At the end of the day.
JONATHAN: I’m going to go kill myself.
JONATHAN: Why do I keep letting myself get talked into– hey, can somebody help me take this stupid thing off?
CHRIS: Jonathan! Jonathan Capehart!
JONATHAN: Jesus! What?!
JONATHAN: Fuck you, Chris. Fuck all of you.
STEVE: Devil in the details.
MARTY: We’re clear.
CHRIS: Where’d Capehart go?
MARTY: To go kill himself, I guess.
CHRIS: Eh, oh well. Where’s that prissy British guy we always have on here? Get him.
MARTY: He’ll be on after the break.
CHRIS: Hey, Marty?
CHRIS: Where’s Deb?