So I’m sitting here thinking about Ben Affleck. I mean, even more than usual. Specifically, the news that’s more or less been universally accepted as this decade’s 9/11: Ben Affleck will be playing Batman, and they haven’t even had time to get that Christian Bale smell out of the batsuit yet.
My reaction to this announcement, after realizing that it wasn’t a joke, was a general feeling of malaise with a twist of nausea. I’m not a comic book fan, so I didn’t quite reach the level of apoplectic rage that some Kevin Smith man-child types undoubtedly have. But any headline that begins with “Ben Affleck” and doesn’t end with “Perishes In Fiery Blimp Accident” is bound to bum me out a little.
Thing is, I was actually starting to warm up to him a bit as a director. I think I saw The Town and didn’t hate it all that much, and the Jesse James movie was pretty good (although the Nick Cave cameo is mostly all I remember at this point). And Argo was actually quite enjoyable despite Ben Affleck’s stupid hair and beard and face. I even started to feel a little bad for drawing the picture of him that you see here. I thought “Hey, maybe he’s not such a bad guy. He’s not entirely talentless. Why do you have to be so mean all the time, Meathead? Come on, open up your heart and let poor Ben Affleck in.”
Then this Batman shit came out and I snapped right back like a rubber band into “Fuck Ben Affleck” mode. And let me tell you, it’s great to be back. But you know, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don’t care. Like I said, I’m not really into comics or superheroes or cosplay or virginity, and while I’ll go see a movie about superhero bullshit if it looks entertaining enough, I’m not going to be stomping out of the theater bitching about how Superman’s codpiece was the wrong color or whatever. And to be honest, I’m getting tired of this “let’s cram as many characters into this shitshow as humanly possible” mentality (looking at you too, The Expendables). If anything, maybe the Superman/Batman film crashing and burning might be a good thing. Fuck it, I mean Bale’s out, and obviously Warner Bros. doesn’t care at this point, so why should we? Why stop at Ben Affleck? Let’s get one of the Kardashians (whoever picks up the phone first) and throw her in as Catwoman! Ashton Kutcher as Spider-Man! Dane Cook as the Joker! Is Pokemon still a thing? Put some of those in too. I mean, if you’re going to make it shitty, why half-ass it?
But that’s Hollywood for you. They can’t even make a movie suck right anymore. You want a shitty Batman movie? I can make a shitty Batman movie. I’ll make fucking Batman & Robin look like Lawrence of Arabia. Enough screwing around, Warner Bros. Give me a call, let’s do this.