MY FANTASY FOOTBALL
by: Meathead, age 7 1/2
Hi, welcome to my Fantasy Football Game! At the Super Super Bowl in beautiful America! But first please stand for the national anthem, which will be sung by Weird Al Yankovic (he’s awesome!!!!)
AND THE BOMBS IN THE AIR, AND THE RED ROCKETS IN THE AIR
And now here is a white tiger that will eat Weird Al Yankovic! Please remain standing until he is fully digested
Today’s teams are the Meathead’s Totally Awesome Team VS. the Kentucky Dorkwads. President Reagan will throw out the first football pitch. And now he will sell chemical weapons to Saddam Hussein. Play Ball!
Okay first though we need to fold up America into a big bowl because this is the Super Super Bowl not the Regular Super Bowl. Hulk Hogan is now folding it up, don’t forget to tuck in the corners. Okay now Hulk Hogan is pouring in the milk. Here comes the Cap’n Crunch!!!
Everyone on my team gets a unicorn. I get a flying unicorn because I’m the quarter back. I also get a fire sword and a machine gun. The Kentucky Dorkwads just get pocket calculators and protractors because they’re dweebs.
Now Joe Montana (he’s on my team) kicks the football, and it goes way up in the air! I fly up on my unicorn and intercept it over Ohio. Michael Bolton (other team, shortstop) tries to stop me and I shoot his stupid hair off with my machine gun and also his face. The crowd goes wild!!!!!
AWESOME TEAM 100 – DORKWADS 0
Hey, folks, this is John Madden reporting from a blimp! Meathead’s Totally Awesome Team is beating the crap out of the Kentucky Dorkwads! This is a great day for America! Also buy my new football computer game for the Commodore 64 and drink Pepsi.
Michael Jordan (my team) takes the ball from me and rides his unicorn over to South Dakota, and the Dorkwads can’t keep up because they’re all crammed into a Dodge Dart and the driver, Fred Savage, doesn’t have a drivers license so he got pulled over and he went to jail.
AWESOME TEAM 5000 – DORKWADS 0
Now it’s halftime and Huey Lewis is playing that song from Back to the Future. Hulk Hogan takes a big spoon and scoops up a big bite of cereal and eats it. Then he smiles really big and he has Ohio stuck in his teeth. Huey Lewis smashes his guitar and the crowd goes wild!!!
AWESOME TEAM 1000000 – DORKWADS 0
Uh oh, that blond jerk from The Karate Kid (Dorkwad) has the football now! He’s running down the Mississippi River and he is wearing his underwear on the outside because that is their uniform because they’re stupid. He’s running towards the goalie Wayne Gretzky (Awesome Team) but it’s okay because Wayne Gretzky has a grenade. He throws the grenade and blows up the blond jerk from The Karate Kid and body parts go everywhere and the football flies way up in the air again and I catch it on my unicorn and Huey Lewis plays that other song from Back to the Future and the crowd goes wild!!!!!
Then I have an existentialist crisis and my unicorn has a heart attack and the rainbow turns to sand! Hulk Hogan shrugs and begins to floss as I tumble backwards into a free fall. In desperation I reach out to catch John Madden’s blimp but it’s forever away and besides, it’s slick with sausage grease. John Madden shrugs and Drinks Pepsi.
What are points, anyway? Just numbers, and numbers are just shapes. An eight is just two zeroes stacked upon one another. A seven will cut you if you aren’t careful. The crowd goes wild!!! over what? A distraction from their collective mortality. Sports.
The Super Super Bowl becomes convex, concave, flat, arched, corrugated. Fireworks shoot the wrong way, at the wrong time, and I look up (down?) just in time to spot Hulk Hogan stretching away into the cosmos, scraping a bicep against Jupiter, my face is swollen,
AWESOME TEAM §§§ – DORKWADS 0
I’m spitting out footballs like sunflower seeds in a Japanese game show, a Japanese game show, don’t drink Pepsi, what’s the difference? The 40 yard line is a guillotine and the end zones are closed for fumigation. The blood is sloshing around in my body as I continue to drop like space junk. There are no more colors, just streaks and insinuations.
Then I see the goal posts. A colossal bony H pushes its way out of Hartford, Connecticut. “This way,” it whispers seductively, and I drift this way. An Amish kid keeps throwing corn cobs at me but I pay no mind. I realize that the one true football has been inside of me this whole time!
I land like an S-less Superman somewhere in West Virginia and run toward the goal with renewed purpose. No more teams, those artificial constructs. I slap away bears and bees and robots, and the crowd is congealing. I’m only ten yards from victory when something trips me and I fall flat on my brain, shattering into a vigintillion irridescent shards. Curse you, Fred Savage! He grabs the glowing true football from my wreckage and turns to go the other way and BAM! There’s Joe Montana!!!
“I don’t think so!” yells Joe Montana!
He pushes Fred Savage into the ocean (full of sharks and piranhas) and takes the football back! The great H embraces him and the crowd goes wild!!!!
Thank you and I hope you liked my Fantasy Football game. No portion of my Fantasy Football game may be recorded, re-broadcast or talked about without the express written consent of my butt