Red’s Real African Safaris

September 17, 2013
By

[PAID ADVERTISEMENT]

Rattle rattle rattle rattle
You’ll never see a rattlesnake on Red’s Real African Safaris
but you’ll have a “whale” of a time!
(no whales either)
A cartoon horse playing a saxophone
a Jesus fish dangled beneath its grotesque, twisted genitals to ease your grotesque, twisted mind
Did it work?

Red will wait in the dusty Jeep, reading an Italian magazine and eating up the last of your Lemonheads, while you shiver on an embankment, staring into the hot amber puddles in the general area where a goat’s eyes might otherwise be.

Maybe you’ll catch a duck with that tomato gun. Maybe it’ll land behind the dumpster and you’ll be too scared to go get it because a Blue Mage is hanging out over there. What is he doing there? Why won’t he just get in his car and go home?

Experience the ice-cold thrill of being chased by hungry ________s across the veldt as a warped cassette of Robert Palmer’s Riptide bleeds into your skull and compromises your lousy renal system! (deluxe package only)

$39.99!!!

Red’s Real African Safaris will latch onto your face and drain the boredom from every cell of your convulsing body. You willl have a circle of red “L” shaped marks around your face and your friends will shun you, GUARANTEED. You will have at least three (5) horrifying realizations in a swamp, and you will lick a hippo, GUARANTEED.

Dissolve your alternate lives like Alka-Seltzers in Schrodinger’s hot tub. Red will find the real you, dry it into jerky and leave it in a Gideon Bible at a Super 8 motel for Elroy Jetson to discover moments before he adds his brains to a painting of a windmill. Red will help you kill, gut and eat your spirit animal under the heavy stare of a jungle half-moon. You will ride a sullen elephant and erase all memory of the death of Heath Ledger, only to be re-learn it while picking corn out of your teeth on the airplane.

Red’s Real African Safaris are so good, you’ll spend two days afterwards repeatedly slamming your head into a glass partition at a Greyhound bus station.

Pack your bags, leave your ego and anyone named Rebecca locked securely in your wine cellar, and wait out at the curb for Red’s windowless Safari Courtesy Shuttle to whisk you away to a land of magic and wonder and viral meningitis! Red loves you. Just wait at the curb. It will all make sense.

MEATHEAD’S WEB HOLE CUSTOMERS: Use discount code “WEBHOLE1″ for a free latex rub from Red’s common-law wife, Wanda!

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