2 Guns, 2 Guns, 2
Guns, 2 2 2 Guns, 2 Guns,
Guns Guns Guns Guns Guns.
I don’t watch very much television nowadays, I listen to the radio even less, and I don’t read a lot of movie websites on the Google, so quite often my first awareness of the existence of an upcoming film or TV series is made possible by an ad plastered onto a bus, bus stop, bus stop bench, or some other bus-related surface. Such is the case with what appears to be a new action film starring Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg entitled 2 Guns. I know absolutely nothing about this thing beyond what is depicted in the ad. In it, Señores Washington y Wahlberg are facing opposite directions, back to back, each pointing a gun at some unseen target (for those of you playing at home, that brings the total number of guns to, appropriately enough, 2). They appear to be cops, although whether they’re “loose cannon” cops, “good guy fighting back against a hopelessly corrupt system” cops, “one last job before retirement” cops, or some combination of the three, remains unclear. Maybe they’re “traffic” cops. They’re not wearing the required orange safety vests, but that just makes them loose cannons. In the background, a rather large number of $100 bills are blowing freely in the wind. Oddly, there are no sexy women in the ad to complete the guns/money/chicks trifecta. That’s an oversight that’s bound to bite them in the ass on opening weekend. “What? No chicks in this? Fuck that, I’m not gay. I’m gonna go see the Smurfs instead and rub one out to Smurfette.”
So, based on the information gleaned from the bus stop and nowhere else, this movie is about two cops, each of whom has a gun (as cops are wont to do), and something about money. 2 Vastly Overrated, Aging Actors Milking Whatever Clichéd Tough Guy Roles They Can Get Before Being Relegated To Playing Dads In PG-13 Family Comedies seems like a more apt title, but I suppose 2 Guns is easier to say when you and your bros are piss-drunk and trying to buy tickets at the window. Anyway, since I’m at work and therefore have nothing better to be doing, I thought I’d write up what I imagine the story to be.
Denzel Washington as Traffic Officer Glocque P. Smithenwesson
Mark Wahlberg as Deputy Traffic Officer Gatt McRatatat
Robert Duvall as Police Chief Richard Head
Steve Buscemi as Glen, the School Bus Driver
Ellen DeGeneres as Hot Chick In Bikini #1 (scenes deleted)
Rhea Perlman as Hot Chick in Bikini #2 (scenes deleted)
[Opening credits that rip off the ones in whatever the last Fincher film was, set to a hip, up-tempo number by Bryan Adams]
[We PAN ACROSS the glistening skyline of Akron, Ohio. Any idiot should immediately recognize it as Akron, but fuck it let's make it say "Akron, Ohio" at the bottom. And "Present Day" underneath that in case a few of those mouthbreathers think it's the Middle Ages. Also, can we use a cool computery font for this? I remember this one that I really liked called "System." Do we have that one? Get Graphics on that.]
[SCENE: Officers Smithenwesson and McRatatat are at their adjacent desks at the precinct. They are eating ice cream cones. Smithenwesson has vanilla and McRatatat has chocolate (smashing racial stereotypes).]
McRATATAT: So Glocque, what’re you gonna do when you start your retirement tomorrow?
SMITHENWESSON: Man… I’m just gonna take it easy, living on a ranch in Montana, building little birdhouses and selling ‘em on eBay… maybe shooting my gun a little from time to time.
McRATATAT: Gee, Glocque, that sounds great. I can’t wait to retire. But I’m just a 40-year-old rookie, so that’s still years away.
[The Chief yells from his office:]
CHIEF: SMITHENWESSON! McRATATAT! GET THE FUCK IN MY OFFICE!!! NOW!!!
McRATATAT: What’s up, Chief?
CHIEF: SIT DOWN!!!
CHIEF: WOULD YOU LIKE A PEANUT BUTTER COOKIE? MY WIFE MADE THESE!!! I CAN’T EAT ANY MORE OF THEM, I’M TRYING TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT!!!
SMITHENWESSON: No thanks, I’m allergic to peanuts.
McRATATAT; I’ll take two! One for now and one for sometime in the near future!
CHIEF: OKAY YOU TWO, LISTEN UP’ THE POWER WENT OUT AT THE INTERSECTION OF MAPLE AND THIRD! I NEED YOU TO GET DOWN THERE AND DIRECT TRAFFIC UNTIL THE POWER COMPANY SENDS SOMEONE TO FIX THE LIGHTS! YOU’D BETTER HURRY, BECAUSE IT’S ALMOST RUSH HOUR!!!
McRATATAT: You got it, Chief!
SMITHENWESSON; I’m getting too old for this shit!
CHIEF: OH AND ONE MORE THING!!! DON’T SHOOT ANYBODY THIS TIME!!! THERE SHOULD BE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR YOU TO USE YOUR GUNS WHILE DIRECTING TRAFFIC!!! GOD DAMN IT, YOU’RE THE BEST TRAFFIC COPS WE’VE GOT!!!
McRATATAT: Of course!
[SCENE: Smithenwesson and McRatatat are standing in the intersection, directing traffic.l
SMITHENWESSON: Man, I sure hope nothing terrible happens today. I'm retiring tomorrow!
McRATATAT: Of course you're not gonna die, Glocque! You got a wife, five kids, eighty-seven grandkids, ten cats, a horse and two hundred sea monkeys that depend on you!
SMITHENWESSON: Yeah... you're right.
[MEANWHILE, a yellow school bus is speeding down the street, just a few blocks away. Glen, the driver, is high on mescaline and has just robbed the bank. The bus is full of money.]
GLEN: Ha ha, you’ll never catch me, coppers! I’m goin’ to Meh-hee-ko! Woooo!
[Glen notices the traffic light up ahead is not working. He expresses concern.]
GLEN: What the fuck is this shit?
[The bus screeches to a stop just inches from McRatatat's outstretched hand.]
McRATATAT: What’s the matter with you, don’t you know how to stop?
SMITHENWESSON: Hey, I know that guy! That’s Glen the School Bus Driver! He drives my grandkids to school!
McRATATAT: But aren’t they on summer vacation right now?
SMITHENWESSON: My god, you’re right! Shoot him!
[Smithenwesson and McRatatat withdraw their large firearms and proceed to shoot at the yellow school bus.]
GLEN: Shit! I’m being shot at by two guns! Fuck this!
[Glen ducks for cover and steps on the gas. The yellow school bus rolls into the intersection. The windows shatter as the officers continue firing their big sexy guns. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a gasoline tanker plows through the intersection at the same time and T-bones the yellow school bus. $100 bills blow freely in the wind. Glen, who happens to be a cyborg, emerges from the wreckage.]
SMITHENWESSON: (to McRatatat) I’ll keep shooting at Glen! You stand behind me and shoot at whatever is in the other direction!
McRATATAT: Got it!
[Lots of cool gunfire continues for the next 90 minutes]
McRATATAT: Hey Glocque! Look out! The truck’s going to explode!
[The gasoline truck explodes.]
McRATATAT: Gllllloooccckkkkqqquuuee!!! Nooooo!!!!
[Smithenwesson lies on the pavement in a puddle of blood. McRatatat runs to his side in slow motion, showing off his pecs & lats.]
McRATATAT: Traffic officer down! Traffic officer down!
SMITHENWESSON: Gatt… I’m dying, Gatt…
McRATATAT: No, you’re fine, Glocque! You’re gonna be okay! Stay with me man! Stay with me!
SMITHENWESSON: Gatt… I just have… one… last request…
McRATATAT: Anything, buddy! You want me to look after your wife and sea monkeys?
McRATATAT: You want me to build birdhouses in your memory? No problem!
SMITHENWESSON: No… not that…
McRATATAT: Well what is it? Just name it, Glocque! Anything!
SMITHENWESSON: I want… that other… peanut butter cookie…
McRATATAT: But you’re allergic!
SMITHENWESSON: Please… I’m hungry…
McRATATAT: Umm… well… maybe we can split it?
[McRatatat pulls the lint-covered cookie from his pocket, breaks it in half and puts one half in Smithenwesson's mouth.]
McRATATAT: You’re gonna be okay, man. Just hang in there.
[Smithenwesson goes into anaphylactic shock and dies.]
[Glen the School Bus Driver appears behind McRatatat. He decapitates McRatatat with a machete.
GLEN: Let the good times roll!
[End credits, accompanied by Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven (Paul Oakenfold Mix)"]
There, I just saved you twelve bucks. You’re welcome.